Journey through Life

For many years, I’ve had various dreams and things I’ve wanted to accomplish. As each day goes on, the more it seems that they’ll never happen.

It doesn’t seem that I’m asking for a lot, just to for once in my life be happy. To know what it’s like to be in the arms of a man. To know what it’s like to have a man love you. You watch the shows, you dream of what it would be like…would feel like.

But since I’m not replacing my door every 5 minutes, all I’m going to have are those dreams.

At the same time, I wouldn’t know what to do with a guy. He’d have to be willing to take on a project. Patient trying to teach someone who after all these years should know at least something.

It seems like I’m constantly in a dream world…even though I talk better in writing, I often need to “talk” to I imagine that I have him there to talk to. To share what’s on my mind and heart. When I need a hug what it would feel like to be in his arms. When I want to cuddle in bed what it would be like to fall asleep in his arms.

I don’t know, maybe one day I’ll find out what it’s like or I might just end up at a point where I totally lose my mind and never know what is real and what isn’t any more. Sometimes now it’s hard…I often sit there and slip into this dream world and have to “shake” myself out.

Maybe that’s my problem, why no one wants to be that special someone. They can see that I am crazy and it’s what’s keeping them away.

I had a dream the other night that was so vivid…seemed so real.

I had finally met someone who wanted to be my friend and he was ready to move forward but he knew something was wrong. He thought it was something he did  wrong because he said I seemed scared of him. With a touch I seemed to jump.

But it wasn’t anything he did just a mixture of things. So we talked about my fears and he of course let me know that he would be patient and each part of our futurre take it a step at a time. Move on as I was ready.

And as always just as it gets good it’s time to get up . But as it was ending he leaned in to kiss me and it was like I could taste his kiss. It seemed so real…now for the real one to come.

I can’t think of what else to title this now…maybe it’ll change later I don’t know.

But as I sit here and think I often wonder what’s wrong with my life. Where did I go wrong besides being born.

I think of the people on the news who have died. Those who had people who loved them, those who had families, a husband, kids, friends. Seeing them on TV crying, heartbroken that their loved one is gone. Just the hope that one day in the “Great Beyond” they’ll meet again.

Sometimes, more often than not, wish I could trade places with just one of them. That they could come back and have their lives back and I can stop wasting space. Heck, I could die and no one would know.

I don’t know what it is about me that keeps people away or if they take the chance, makes them go away. Sure I probably lack those ‘friendship’ skills but I’ll never learn them if no one wants to be my friend. I’ll never learn how to trust people if no one sticks around and just continues to hurt me. I don’t want anyone to do it because they feel sorry for me because no one else wants to be my friend; where I’m an “Oh by the way” thought as I have been all my life. Or to hear of plans being made by people I thought were my friends only to hear “Oh you’re not invited”. To feel as if I were the “kid sister that mom and dad MADE me bring along”.

If there is a man out there who is desperate or lonely enough to want to be with me, I’m scared that I’d hurt him as well because I don’t even know what one does in a dating relationship. I’ve never dated anyone before so I don’t even know what that’s all about. The only times I’ve actually been on any date was because of the Bulletin Boards that were popular before the internet was the internet as we know it now.

I had a crappy 8088 machine so couldn’t do much with it, not sure how pictures even worked back then but I seem to remember the ability to post/share them because that’s how I first learned what ‘fisting’ was from a picture I saw on someone’s computer.

In talking to the guys on there one would be interested enough but most likely like everyone else felt sorry for me so invited me out on a date. But I’ve never had a guy come up to me and want to take me on a date. When I did these I had no idea what to do or anything.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me other than being so hideously ugly that no one wants to be seen with me any longer than they have to. Having a car wouldn’t make things better, even when I did and went places no one wanted to be my friend.

Maybe I can let someone else use this wasted space, someone who does have people who love them and care about them. Who doesn’t have to cry themselves to sleep every night wondering what it’s like to have a man love them, to wonder what it’s like to be happy–truly happy. To have their dreams become reality instead of being nothing more than rehashed dreams for as many years as they can remember.

I posted the following on another forum. There was a resurrected thread asking if you were happy being single.

I’m definitely not, but for reasons that may be different from others. I’ve never really dated before and I’ve never really had close friends. So I don’t know the turmoil of dating and breaking up. I don’t know if dating would be better than what I have now, because I’ve never experienced it. I have a life of complete loneliness. Every so often, I may have a “life” for a few hours, but other than that, it’s the same boring existence day in and day out. No signs of it getting better.

The first paragraph is in response to a post made by another poster. She essentially said that she wouldn’t see herself in a relationship until she was happy with herself. The rest is my babbling on.

That’s what all the experts and everyone says, but I don’t think I’ll ever be in that position. My mindset is that no one else likes me, why should I like me. Which I know is not good but it’s how I feel. Even though people say nice things on the internet, it’s hard to believe because IRL, its totally different.

If a guy came to me and said he wanted to date me, I wouldn’t know the first thing to do. I have no clue what a relationship is all about. In another thread, I mentioned that I had been married. I was talking to a guy on a Bulletin Board and he came down to meet me. We didn’t really date per se (i.e. go out to dinner things like that) but a few months later we got married. I felt (and since nothing else has happened since, it’s obvious) that it would be the only chance that I would ever have at being married. But things didn’t work out and we divorced almost a year later (it was turning into an abusive relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and had no way of getting out. I was threatened with death if I ever called the cops. My brothers and sisters were all older, but I didn’t–and still don’t–really have a relationship with them and I didn’t really have any friends to confide in. And truly I was sacred as to what might happen. So I wasn’t going to stay in a marriage that might end up with me dead). Obviously never having a boyfriend, I had no experience in the sex department. So my lack of knowledge he beat into the ground and has since made me scared to even try again. So many times I want to, but at the same time, I’m scared to death. That whoever he is, would compare me to others or wish that he was with someone who knew what they were doing.

I’ve never really even had friends, so it’s hard to interact with people IRL. I can type out things all day, but IRL it’s hard enough to say “hi” to someone. Even when I had a car and actually went places, I never met anyone who wanted to be my friend. And the few times, I’ve thought I had a friend, in the end I ended up being hurt by it.

When I first lost my weight, I thought that would get me a boyfriend, which it never did. Even in high school, I was pretty much thin. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I see people that I (as a society guideline) would consider ugly who find someone, people who are heavy who find someone.

Even though things are different now (definitely want a Vegan but may accept a Vegetarian vs Omni), it’ll be harder. But aside from that, I can’t even attract a guy.

I’m tired to being in an empty house all the time, of going to bed alone. Of having literally nothing to do. I’m just tired of being lonely all the time and feeling like I’m about to lose my mind. When I do get to spend time with people, I never want it to end, because I know the next time will be a long time to come if ever again. Sometimes I get so lonely where I wish I had someone to talk to that I just pretend that I do and just have my “conversation”, maybe that’s it. Everyone can see that I’m crazy so that’s why they stay away. I don’t know.

Today is another Mother’s Day and a day that as always, I’m not looking forward to. Not just because once again my dream of being a mother continues to disappear as each day goes by, but the fact that even though I was raised with a Mother, I don’t feel that I had one.

Many women feel that their mother’s are their best friends. They feel bad if a day goes by that they haven’t spoken to their mother. Their mother was their biggest cheerleader and the one who made them the woman that they are today.

I didn’t have any of that. All I had was the continued beratement and how I was worthless and a waste of space. And the world continues to verify that every day.

I never had a mother who truly cared  about me. She never spent time with me, never taught me anything (part of why I have no clue when it comes to cooking and never truly know if I’m matching when it comes to clothes), never made me feel loved.

One time years ago, she brought up how we never had any kind of relationship, well, that’s all her fault. SHE never wanted to have one with me.  A few times I did try to reach out, but it never changed anything.

Many women feel a void when they lose their mother, but I doubt I will. I don’t feel one now. Yes every once in a while she’ll do something nice, but it still doesn’t make up for the lousy childhood I had.

The only time I went anywhere was if it was school or church related, as we never took a vacation. It didn’t even have to be anything fancy, a trip to the Bay or a museum. A train ride somewhere. Just to be able to say I went somewhere.

I’m not close to women and have a hard time talking to them. I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of relationship and lack of ability to confide in her.

I know it’s not just me as she seems to be the same with all her kids. Heck, my one brother would probably still be alive if she let him come stay. He became homeless and she wouldn’t even let him stay until he could get back on his feet.  He ended up killing some folks at a library opening and then the police killed him in what I feel was overkill. He probably was tired of living.

If I ever realize my dream of being a mother, I vow to do everything that I can to make sure my children are as happy as possible. I don’t have to be their best friend per se, but I want them to know that I’ll always be there for them. That they can have happy memories of childhood and be able to see things and not just read about them.

But at the rate I’m going, that’s never going to happen, so it’s just another dream that will never be fulfilled.  I was raised without a dad and always promised myself that my kids wouldn’t have to deal with that, but if I can ever get a job and make enough to not only support me but kids, I wouldn’t mind being a single parent.

I often wonder even if I were to find a man to sweep me off my feet, would I know what to do?

I’m not one that the boys were knocking my door down to date, so dating just didn’t happen for me.

So if Mr. Right came knocking on my door, would I know him? And if I did, would I know how to treat him? What do you do as a girlfriend?

As much as I want that special someone to be in my life, at the same time, I’m scared to death.

I don’t want my inexperience and lack of confidence to be a deal killer for what would be a totally wonderful man!

Maybe I’m worrying over nothing and all will be fine, but if he never comes, then I’ll never know!

I keep thinking of what it would be like when I do finally meet someone. Will my inexperience scare him away. Will he be patient enough for me to find my way.

I don’t want to let my inexperience and shyness scare guys away either. I want it to happen so badly, but at the same time, I’m scared that I’ll screw everything up.

Yes that fun time!

Pretty much every night since I was 14, I’ve cried myself to sleep over this issue.

I’ve never been popular with the boys and my lack of social skills with guys proves it.

Whether I’ve been thin or fat, I haven’t been able to find a man. I still hope to have children and time is running out.

Even if I don’t ever have kids of my own, just to FINALLY have the love of a man. I feel that because my dad didn’t want me, that no other man wants me either. And of course, being too fat and ugly doesn’t help either.

I pray that there’s a guy out there with a pulse who in the end can see past that and show me what I’ve missed out on for so long.