I can’t think of what else to title this now…maybe it’ll change later I don’t know.
But as I sit here and think I often wonder what’s wrong with my life. Where did I go wrong besides being born.
I think of the people on the news who have died. Those who had people who loved them, those who had families, a husband, kids, friends. Seeing them on TV crying, heartbroken that their loved one is gone. Just the hope that one day in the “Great Beyond” they’ll meet again.
Sometimes, more often than not, wish I could trade places with just one of them. That they could come back and have their lives back and I can stop wasting space. Heck, I could die and no one would know.
I don’t know what it is about me that keeps people away or if they take the chance, makes them go away. Sure I probably lack those ‘friendship’ skills but I’ll never learn them if no one wants to be my friend. I’ll never learn how to trust people if no one sticks around and just continues to hurt me. I don’t want anyone to do it because they feel sorry for me because no one else wants to be my friend; where I’m an “Oh by the way” thought as I have been all my life. Or to hear of plans being made by people I thought were my friends only to hear “Oh you’re not invited”. To feel as if I were the “kid sister that mom and dad MADE me bring along”.
If there is a man out there who is desperate or lonely enough to want to be with me, I’m scared that I’d hurt him as well because I don’t even know what one does in a dating relationship. I’ve never dated anyone before so I don’t even know what that’s all about. The only times I’ve actually been on any date was because of the Bulletin Boards that were popular before the internet was the internet as we know it now.
I had a crappy 8088 machine so couldn’t do much with it, not sure how pictures even worked back then but I seem to remember the ability to post/share them because that’s how I first learned what ‘fisting’ was from a picture I saw on someone’s computer.
In talking to the guys on there one would be interested enough but most likely like everyone else felt sorry for me so invited me out on a date. But I’ve never had a guy come up to me and want to take me on a date. When I did these I had no idea what to do or anything.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me other than being so hideously ugly that no one wants to be seen with me any longer than they have to. Having a car wouldn’t make things better, even when I did and went places no one wanted to be my friend.
Maybe I can let someone else use this wasted space, someone who does have people who love them and care about them. Who doesn’t have to cry themselves to sleep every night wondering what it’s like to have a man love them, to wonder what it’s like to be happy–truly happy. To have their dreams become reality instead of being nothing more than rehashed dreams for as many years as they can remember.
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