Journey through Life

I posted the following on another forum. There was a resurrected thread asking if you were happy being single.

I’m definitely not, but for reasons that may be different from others. I’ve never really dated before and I’ve never really had close friends. So I don’t know the turmoil of dating and breaking up. I don’t know if dating would be better than what I have now, because I’ve never experienced it. I have a life of complete loneliness. Every so often, I may have a “life” for a few hours, but other than that, it’s the same boring existence day in and day out. No signs of it getting better.

The first paragraph is in response to a post made by another poster. She essentially said that she wouldn’t see herself in a relationship until she was happy with herself. The rest is my babbling on.

That’s what all the experts and everyone says, but I don’t think I’ll ever be in that position. My mindset is that no one else likes me, why should I like me. Which I know is not good but it’s how I feel. Even though people say nice things on the internet, it’s hard to believe because IRL, its totally different.

If a guy came to me and said he wanted to date me, I wouldn’t know the first thing to do. I have no clue what a relationship is all about. In another thread, I mentioned that I had been married. I was talking to a guy on a Bulletin Board and he came down to meet me. We didn’t really date per se (i.e. go out to dinner things like that) but a few months later we got married. I felt (and since nothing else has happened since, it’s obvious) that it would be the only chance that I would ever have at being married. But things didn’t work out and we divorced almost a year later (it was turning into an abusive relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and had no way of getting out. I was threatened with death if I ever called the cops. My brothers and sisters were all older, but I didn’t–and still don’t–really have a relationship with them and I didn’t really have any friends to confide in. And truly I was sacred as to what might happen. So I wasn’t going to stay in a marriage that might end up with me dead). Obviously never having a boyfriend, I had no experience in the sex department. So my lack of knowledge he beat into the ground and has since made me scared to even try again. So many times I want to, but at the same time, I’m scared to death. That whoever he is, would compare me to others or wish that he was with someone who knew what they were doing.

I’ve never really even had friends, so it’s hard to interact with people IRL. I can type out things all day, but IRL it’s hard enough to say “hi” to someone. Even when I had a car and actually went places, I never met anyone who wanted to be my friend. And the few times, I’ve thought I had a friend, in the end I ended up being hurt by it.

When I first lost my weight, I thought that would get me a boyfriend, which it never did. Even in high school, I was pretty much thin. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I see people that I (as a society guideline) would consider ugly who find someone, people who are heavy who find someone.

Even though things are different now (definitely want a Vegan but may accept a Vegetarian vs Omni), it’ll be harder. But aside from that, I can’t even attract a guy.

I’m tired to being in an empty house all the time, of going to bed alone. Of having literally nothing to do. I’m just tired of being lonely all the time and feeling like I’m about to lose my mind. When I do get to spend time with people, I never want it to end, because I know the next time will be a long time to come if ever again. Sometimes I get so lonely where I wish I had someone to talk to that I just pretend that I do and just have my “conversation”, maybe that’s it. Everyone can see that I’m crazy so that’s why they stay away. I don’t know.