Today is another Mother’s Day and a day that as always, I’m not looking forward to. Not just because once again my dream of being a mother continues to disappear as each day goes by, but the fact that even though I was raised with a Mother, I don’t feel that I had one.
Many women feel that their mother’s are their best friends. They feel bad if a day goes by that they haven’t spoken to their mother. Their mother was their biggest cheerleader and the one who made them the woman that they are today.
I didn’t have any of that. All I had was the continued beratement and how I was worthless and a waste of space. And the world continues to verify that every day.
I never had a mother who truly cared about me. She never spent time with me, never taught me anything (part of why I have no clue when it comes to cooking and never truly know if I’m matching when it comes to clothes), never made me feel loved.
One time years ago, she brought up how we never had any kind of relationship, well, that’s all her fault. SHE never wanted to have one with me. A few times I did try to reach out, but it never changed anything.
Many women feel a void when they lose their mother, but I doubt I will. I don’t feel one now. Yes every once in a while she’ll do something nice, but it still doesn’t make up for the lousy childhood I had.
The only time I went anywhere was if it was school or church related, as we never took a vacation. It didn’t even have to be anything fancy, a trip to the Bay or a museum. A train ride somewhere. Just to be able to say I went somewhere.
I’m not close to women and have a hard time talking to them. I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of relationship and lack of ability to confide in her.
I know it’s not just me as she seems to be the same with all her kids. Heck, my one brother would probably still be alive if she let him come stay. He became homeless and she wouldn’t even let him stay until he could get back on his feet. He ended up killing some folks at a library opening and then the police killed him in what I feel was overkill. He probably was tired of living.
If I ever realize my dream of being a mother, I vow to do everything that I can to make sure my children are as happy as possible. I don’t have to be their best friend per se, but I want them to know that I’ll always be there for them. That they can have happy memories of childhood and be able to see things and not just read about them.
But at the rate I’m going, that’s never going to happen, so it’s just another dream that will never be fulfilled. I was raised without a dad and always promised myself that my kids wouldn’t have to deal with that, but if I can ever get a job and make enough to not only support me but kids, I wouldn’t mind being a single parent.
